“what i want is to be needed. what i need is to be indispensable to somebody.
who i need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention.
somebody addicted to me. a mutual addiction.”
Chuck Palahniuk
life. it can be rather joyful sometimes, yet so hard.
i believe that i’m one of those people who will never grow up absolutely.
mentally. emotionally.
a friend of mine asked me a few days ago what makes me happy in life, what gives me the power to remain strong in critical situations.
and i said to her “everyday things. a morning melody. a long walk on snow. comfy bed. writing. his smile. coffee.”
she replied “but those things are usual things every man has, it’s nothing new. don’t you get angry sometimes?”
-“ofc. actually, i’m angry all the time. but my rage is producing good vibes, feelings or whatever you wanna call it. without it, my days would be just plain.”
she wasn’t satisfied with my answer, i could say that for sure. although we were chatting on the msn, i could feel lack of satisfaction in her letters.
didn’t really want to change the subject, but she reacted faster than me. for some strange reason, that either wasn’t the topic she wanted to talk about, or it wasn’t the right moment, i’m not completely sure.
so we skipped that story.
i felt bad for a moment. i felt like i did something to her, something very wrong.
to be honest, that’s generally my problem with people. they are never ready for the truth, and the truth is all i know. i never learned to lie properly. but i don’t think that’s my disadvantage, just the opposite.
one thing i respect the most about ljubisha, is exactly that ability to be completely sincere with me. with people. with himself. i could easily say i fell in love with that characteristic. and i’ve learned from him. a lot.
i really do believe in existence of unconditional love. there are no boarders, no pressure, no misunderstandings, just pure emotions. sincere. simple.
i always wanted to love someone in that way, but was never given the chance. too many rules had always scared me away.
distance. it’s really bad when you get to the point of realizing that all the love is gone between the two of you, and there is nothing that can be done about it. then isolation comes. you make a giant shell around you, where nobody’s invited even less wanted.
i’ve had a relationship like that. arguing about everything and everybody, every single day, was just too much drama for me. i prefer living a simple life, with as little turbulence as possible. laid-back approach. that’s my way, whether people like it or not.
two years ago, i met a guy on a bus station, it was the most spontaneous talk i’ve ever had with someone. he said he was an artist. a painter to be precise. and he looked at me for several seconds, and then said “i want to paint you. i want to have your asymmetric face painted on my wall with water colors. you’re beautiful in some strange, almost wrong way. quite unusual.” his name was minja. and all i can remember is that he wore green shoes and had unbelievably large hands. i don’t remember his voice anymore. i don’t even know what color his eyes were. we never did that painting, by the way.
for some reason, i always remember stuff like that. all my life i’ve been fascinated by random stories, people, situations…that nobody’s interested in. i see some special depth in them. i also have a little secret, something i like to do while cruising around the town. well, let’s say it's a hobby. i like to stare at people’s faces while they’re waiting for a bus. i like to imagine what their personalities are like, what they do for a living, what things they are interested in.
sometimes i act like i’m invisible. it’s a little game i like to play from time to time. so far, nobody succeeded with seeing me while being in that mode. they just go with the flow, mostly. after awhile, they forget that you’re even there. and that just proves the fact that i’m always winning. i’m always one step ahead.
“winning isn't everything...it's the only thing.”
vincent van gogh
so, life. it’s way too complicated to be explained.
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