i was walking back home tonight when, all of a sudden, i got lost.
i have no fucking idea how the hell that happened.
shit,
i thought i knew that part of town pretty well.
but i was wrong. i got lost. in the middle of nowhere.
fifteen long minutes of pointless search for the right direction
when i finally became aware that i was walking in circles. and felt like hurting myself.
shameless amount of fail suddenly appeared in front of me
and that's just because of that ridiculous rule of mine - that stupid things are always
happening to me twice in a row.
never proved contrary.
the moment i finally found the street i was looking for,
i lighted one cigar and slowed down a bit to have a thought with myself.
at one point i got so carried away by my own thoughts
that i absolutely forgot [again] where i was going.
it's the damn orientation.
i have none.
being easily side-tracked by your own mind and having no sense of environment
while deep in some "serious" thinking, were the main reasons why i got lost in the first place.
i thought of lemonade.
litres and litres of ice-cold lemonade, maybe like the one a friend made me earlier today.
he truly knows how to make a damn good lemonade.
the devilstreet was shamelessly long and loud,
and i desperately needed to sit down.
i even somehow managed to ignore the fact that i was thirsty as hell
but that neverending walk was really killing me.
haven't slept at all the night before,
been spending some white time with my black friend
and i had a few shots of the worst rubbish my father likes to call strong drink.
and that's about it.
tired, drained, exhausted, but kinda happy, i guess.
i'm not allshinyandbright about it, and i don't have stupid smile on my face all the time
i'm just okay with it.
he told me once that i often seem indifferent to other people.
it was two or three months ago, when i had the most typical girlish crush
on some boy who absolutely, completely and undoubtedly can't fit in my little life.
it was hilariously obvious that i was bluffing,
playing all the time because i had nothing else to do.
i was bored.
that night was one of those nights when you go out just to get drunk like a madman,
make a completely fool of yourself
and maybe get laid.
i talked to my former crush that night.
all i remember was that i mumbled a bunch of crap to him for hours
and just before i left the party, i said that i wasn't satisfied with music he played that night.
that's when i needed to hear that my friend is on my side,
and not to make me feel like i suffered the most painful fall on the ground
by saying that i'm indifferent.
i'm not indifferent ffs,
i'm just.... the way i am.
i didn't say a word about it, of course
but it turns out that after all it is a big deal to me.
i really miss my mother.
she's been away for almost a week now
i just can't stand her absence anymore.
this house is awful without her
and my every attempt to be kind and loving to dad and grandma
always ends up as a total disaster.
"it would be quite nice,
to have some dry ice."
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